THE TEXT message hit his screen less than four hours before kick-off. "Sorry, I can't find my boots, I've just moved, see you Monday," it said.

Manager Ian French couldn't believe it, couldn't believe what he was reading from the new signing who had been set to make his debut.

"I got that at 11.30 this morning," said French, brandishing his phone. "I've never heard that before. I've never heard from a footballer that he can't find his boots. Just bizarre."

Such is life so far down the football pyramid that it feels like you are tunnelling underground. But for the 16th tier of English football — 15 divisions below the Barclays Premier League — this was a significant day.

Here we had a bottom of the table derby between local rivals five miles apart. Landkey Town Reserves were at home to Chittlehampton Reserves, the team propping up North Devon Journal League Intermediate Two hosting the side two places above them.

This was about as low as it gets in the Journal League — the foot of the four divisions, 62nd place versus 60th.

Through the morning and lunchtime madness of trying to get together a team, French still found time for humour.

"There's always that joke about being the strongest team in the League because you are holding everybody else up," he grinned.

One win, one draw and 12 defeats in their 14 league games had left Landkey five points adrift and, though French took on the manager's role with the philosophy that the seconds exist to support the first team, now he wanted results.

After a short period running only one team, Landkey reverted to two this season as back-up to the firsts following their promotion to the Senior Division.

"It's been tough because we lost some key first-team players at the beginning of the season and we got the knock-on effect of losing players to the first team," said French.

"Players who wouldn't normally get a game are now playing regularly.

"I didn't really care what the score was until Christmas — it was a case of enjoying it, developing younger players and trying to get a team spirit.Then, when we got to Christmas, I wanted it to become more serious because I didn't want to end up bottom."

But at 10am on matchday, French had only nine players, blaming his plight on "people who haven't got back to me". Among those confirmed unavailable were centre-back Matt Bufton, needed in goal for the first team, and influential midfielder Dean Sherris, away at a birthday celebration.

"It gets a bit stressful, a bit thankless sometimes," said French. Why do it then? "Because I love the game."

Aged 44, French used to play in the Wessex League, nine divisions higher than the one in which he is managing now, and once shared a pitch with Vince Hilaire, an England Under-21 international who played for Crystal Palace in the old First Division.

It was an FA Cup tie in which French's team, Eastleigh Town, faced Hilaire's Waterlooville before 600 spectators.

Changed days? "I don't think so," said French. "Whether it's 600 or one man and his dog, to me it doesn't seem any different because once you're out there you shut off, you don't even know they're there."

Or not there, as was the case on Saturday. There was a crowd of eight, if you can call eight a crowd. But at least the proverbial one man and his dog did turn up.

Dogman, a Landkey supporter, arrived with his Retriever. "I let the Rottweiler on to the pitch when we lose," he said.

There would be no need today. French, with some late phone calls and by reluctantly playing himself, pulled together a squad of 14 and it was as if they'd been playing together for years. They won 5-3.

After a delay to kick-off while one Landkey substitute was dispatched to find a trowel to clear dog's mess from the pitch — "player safety" said the referee — Chittlehampton took a 16th-minute lead through Luke Palmer.

But two goals in three minutes midway through the half, both individually skilful and of a quality worthy of a higher division, from Phil Hammond and Scott Paton put Landkey ahead. Shaun Winson equalised but Paton ran on to a cross from midfield hardman Simon Chambers to thump in his second goal on 41 minutes.

Palmer scored his second before Paton fired home from just outside the box to complete his hat-trick on 65 minutes. A headed goal from Neil Wooldridge in stoppage-time put the outcome beyond doubt.

For Paton it was his first hat-trick since returning from a cruciate ligament reconstruction which had kept him out for two years. He's a carpenter by trade. Now, thanks to him, the League's wooden spoon may be heading Chittlehampton's way.