I'm not holding my breath for roses and chocolates
WHEN God was handing out the romance gene, my better half must have popped to the loo and missed it completely.
I once had flowers on Valentine's Day but only because the landlady of our local pub felt so sorry for me that at the end of the evening she gathered up a few bunches of flowers decorating the tables and gave them to him to take home.
If you ask him when my birthday is I feel lucky if he gets the right month, let alone the right day.
If we're out at a "bit of a do", there's no romantic last dance for me. As other couples cuddle up for the final sentimental ballad, my better half is arguing about politics with some poor unsuspecting victim who keeps glancing at the door in the hope of making a quick getaway.
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So today may be Valentine's Day but I'm not holding my breath for some grand romantic gesture – I doubt a dozen red roses will be delivered to my desk or this evening I will be whisked off to an expensive restaurant.
Not that I'm really complaining. He's more the strong, silent (I wish...) type who is always there for you no matter what. That's worth more than any number of Valentine's gifts.
So, I have put together a few commandments for the better half. If he keeps to those, peace will reign in our household.
1. Thou shalt worship no other woman except me, even if she is 18 with the body of an athlete and her father owns a brewery.
2. Thou shalt not take my name in vain and will lie through your teeth to give the impression I am a softly-spoken goddess with the milk of human kindness running through my veins.
3. Thou shalt remember it is Valentine's Day and keep it holy with a multitude of sacrifices including chocolates, flowers, champagne and expensive jewellery.
4. Thou shalt honour my family and ignore the fact that half of them are barking mad.
5. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and take me out to Sunday lunch so that I do not have to have to do unspeakable things to you with a roast parsnip.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life talking in a high voice and wearing women's clothes.
7. Thou shalt not murder multitude pints of beer on a Saturday night and then come home and try to persuade me to cook you a massive fry-up for your "supper".
8. Thou shalt not steal my chocolate unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life without hands.
9.Thou shalt not covet our neighbour's ass, even if it is half the size of mine and perched on top of endless legs.
10. Thou shalt realise that even if I change my mind from one second to the next, I am always right and you are always wrong.
TALKING of romance, did you see our auction story last week? There among the list of lots was something a woman could give the man who has everything – maybe rather too much of everything.
Men all over North Devon were crossing their legs as they read that one of the items at an event to mark International Women's Day was a vasectomy.
Sorry, chaps, to make you squirm all over again.
Not romantic enough for you? Don't worry there are lots of other lots going under the hammer at the event on March 8 at 7.30pm the Plough Arts Centre in Torrington.
Sounds like it's going to be a great evening with lots of talks, comedy and dancing.
Book by ringing the Plough Arts Centre box office on 01805 624624.